hi im maladict rian corin sunflower -- vae or ce pronouns (or any neopronouns tbh im not picky) -- 21+ -- my destiny blog is vannetsed -- queer, tired, & a god -- don't interact with me if you are an exclusionist -- the flag in my icon is my 'aro but in purple' flag, i like purple ok -- i have 5 million microlabels but only my friends are allowed to know them
Not aro as in “I’m still normal because I love my friends” but aro as in “I’m going to burn down the relationship hierarchy and the idea that ‘love’ or experiening any form of attraction is what makes us human”. Aro as in “fuck you, I’m queer”
I don’t know how much this has actually been discussed in online spaces, but when I talk to other aros irl it’s pretty widely agreed apon that being aromantic is both an orientation and a political identity. By which I mean that being aromantic requires a massive shift in world view, including the dismantling of amatonormativity, the deconstruction of what the word ‘love’ even means, and the realization that you have control over what your important relationships look like.
All of those things can have a major impact on your political outlooks, social outlooks, and simply the way you view the world. I’ve said before that even if I did experience romantic attraction some day I would still identify as aro because being aromantic has shifted my view of what relationships even are to such a degree that like… romantic relationships barely make sense as a category to apply to myself anymore.
Everyone I know who identified as aro or questioned if they were aro before experiencing attraction and identifying as allo has ended up poly for what I suspect is this exact reason. Polyamory is one of the only relationship models out there currently that allows for romantic relationships outside of the typical amatonormative model and once you’ve done some work dismantling how society views relationships slotting right back into traditional monogamy doesn’t have a lot of appeal.
So anyways op, I know a lot of folks in the notes are taking this to simply mean 'not wanting to date’ (which is fine, that is still a radical notion in our society that I’m glad the aro community can make space for) but I think your tags are absolutely right about pushing amatonormativity out of our spaces as an aro value that people can (and should!) believe in and benefit from even if they’re not aro.
I just recently discovered that I’m actually not aro, but weirdly enough identifying as aro and deconstructing amatonormativity is what lead me to this.
I originally identified as aro bc I thought I never had a crush and I was 18. About 5 months back, I got into a qpr with a friend and it eventually changed into something else that made qpr not feel right, so we simply gave up on a relationship labels and so we just call it a relationship. This confused me because I’ve been experiencing feelings I never thought I’d have.
Recently, I’ve been realizing that I’ve had crushed, but because of my autism I experience them in different ways and due to amatonormativity I was never able to identify them as crushed. They’re hard to identify because attractions can be hard to distinguish but I realized that this whole time I’ve been waiting for something to happen, but it never did. I was waiting for that amazing feeling everyone described, but I experience them differently.
My boyfriend that I originally got into a qpr with, I didn’t have a crush on him, at least I don’t think so, but I knew I wanted him as my life partner. We get along so well, we compliment each other in great ways and we understand each other so well, so I wanted him at my side for the rest of my life, if possible. But some of the crushes I’ve had that I never identified as such were due to the fact that, yes I had feelings for them, but I didn’t want a relationship, I was fine with what we had.
Without deconstructing amatonormativity, I would’ve never been able to identify my autistic way of feeling crushes bc I’ve always been waiting on a certain thing and then I gave up on every feeling it and got confused when I did in my own way.
While I won’t keep the identity of aro, I fully understand why some do/would. I definitely will continue seeing relationship through the same aro lense and definitely approach every relationship with a relationship anarchy view to them.
TL;DR: Identifying a aro allowed me to deconstruct amatonormativity, which allowed me to realize I do experience crushes, just in my own autistic way that doesn’t follow the general expectations/descriptions of a crush.
(I don’t want to invalidate any autistic aros, this is my personal experience. I know some people have blamed my aromanticism on my autism and ended up being right, that does not mean it is the case for everyone else.)
[Image ID: Tweet from (@/ Guiness_Pig) on 23 Jul 23 reading: “Covid is over.” “So I’ve heard.” “So why are you wearing a mask?” “Tuberculosis.” (long pause, steps back): “Well you shouldn’t be in public exposing others.” “My mask protects you. Besides, tuberculosis is only a Biosafety Level-3 airbone pathogen, just like covid.” (Blank stare) /End ID]
*alloro person who has never had to personally grapple with arophobia in their life voice* what do you mean posts about love exclude aros???? OBVIOUSLY i meant all kinds of love, maybe its you that thinks love always equals romance 🙄. stop making up things to get mad about lol. for no other reason i view aros as being bitter haters who resent me for feeling love
this is very much abt loveless people & the hostility towards them, but its also about like. how alloro people don’t seem to understand the level of hostility towards aro people in our culture that might make us dislike these sorts of “love is the most important thing ever!” type posts.
like i’m sure most people would agree with the statement that you shouldn’t rely on a romantic relationship to be happy & other things can be fulfilling and make your life worth living, and support the idea of someone taking a break from romance. but when i say “yeah i dont feel romantic attraction and i never want to get married or have a romantic relationship” to people irl, i get seen as a freak and/or in need of therapy. even when people talk about love between friends, its often still within an amatonormative context, where you can love your friends but your romantic partner comes first and all of your friends either have or intend to eventually find a romantic partner. being aro (at least for me) is not just “alloromantic experience but without romance” it changes like. so much about how i relate to other people, and i feel like a lot of alloro people don’t understand! that saying “all love matters” is not enough to make me feel seen or safe! because a lot of times the underlying message i’ve received is “all love matters… assuming you are Normal want Normal Relationships which are valued in the Normal Way!”
& if you are supposedly supporting other kinds of love as important, but you get super defensive when aro people critique your emphasis on love as a necessary feeling & talk about disliking those kinds of posts. then it seems like you do not support aromantics as much as you might claim to. it gives off big “i was an ace exclusionist until it became uncool to be openly aphobic but i never actually did anything to really change how i view aspec people” energy
Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I’m screaming underwater.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.
I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it’s factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it’s harmful, and the changes I’d like to see. But to keep this concise, I’ll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.
The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent “safe” spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I’m willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.
Because it’s so hard to exist in this world.
My disorder already makes me feel as if I’m worthless and unlovable, like there’s something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it’s so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:
Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I’m lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word “narcissist” to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil “people with narcissistic personality disorder” are. (Seriously, you don’t know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you’d hate them if you knew.)
Trying to look up “mental health positivity for people with npd”, “mental health positivity cluster bs”, only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.
Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.
Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they’re supposed to be helping!) that there’s no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.
Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I’m not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.
Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s
I could go on for a long time, but I’m scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.
So please. Stop using the word “narcissist” as a synonym for “abusive”.
Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! “Hey, I’m autistic.” “Oh… my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn’t understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you’re self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you’re okay I guess, maybe.” …See how offensive and ignorant that is?)
Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it’s trendy to use us as a scapegoat.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.
Can we just… normalize teens loving their parents? Like obviously you’re not obligated to if your parents are shitty, but damn, I love my mom. She’s there for me all the time and sure we have rough patches but honestly she’s the greatest. Like. We need teens to know that they don’t have to hate their parents just cause.
It must be nice to come from a nonabusive family. One that doesn’t traumatized every emotional interaction to the point where you drive away any sign of love as a form of manipulation because that’s all that you were raised with. 🤷♀️
It is.
Reading Comprehension
but loving ur parents is already normalized and its the kids w/ abusive parents that actually have to deal with misunderstandings and ignorance from others regarding this topic.
Hey there, I’m talking about the trope where it’s seen as super uncool to like your parents that was literally pushed on teens through the media since the culture shift in the early 60s. The post has nothing to do with abusive parents. I was abused as a kid and honestly if the trope where teens have to hate their parents to be cool died, then kids with actual abusive parents would have an easier time recognizing abuse this has been a psa
“if the trope where teens have to hate their parents to be cool died, then kids with actual abusive parents would have an easier time recognizing abuse”
Teen with abusive parents: I hate my parents
Teen influenced by society: Me too mine are the worst
The takeaway for teen 1: This is normal and it’s supposed to be this way
The takeaway for teen 2: My friend’s parents are like mine
The takeaway for any adult listening: All kids who complain about their parents are just being rebellious
